I’ll just have one cookie. I’ll hit the gym tomorrow. Just 5 more minutes and then I’ll get up. Ah, the lies we tell ourselves. Some of them are trivial, some of them add a few pounds here and there until you can’t deny them any longer because the jeans don’t fit. Old habits are the hardest to break.
She’s doing well both at home and in her program. She’s voicing her frustrations and concerns to adults around her when she feels overwhelmed, standing up for herself when conversations concern her. Growing in confidence is one of the tools she needs to survive, one of the weaknesses anxiety latches onto and depression feeds on.
How do you develop confidence in yourself when the world forces you into isolation? She continues to play with fire in the form of social media. It is one of the few communication methods she has with her friends, a circle she needs just as a fish needs water to survive. Cultivating these positive friendships, their influence and support, is essential to her recovery, her journey toward a new normal.
But it’s a double-edged sword, calling her to keep a thin connection with the cracked version of her self-portrait. When you are 15, you look for approval in the eyes of others. It is surface deep, with filters and fish lips and peace signs, but teenagers seek that acceptance all the same, demanding it from a source outside the immediate family. Those outside sources may give the temporary feeling of friendship, acceptance, and validation, but as with all unknowns, they cannot be fully trusted.
She’s been dishonest with me about an issue I thought we had discussed and put an end to, and the foundation of trust upon which the two of us stand cracked a bit. While we aren’t starting over from the beginning, as we were merely a month ago, there is damage to be repaired, construction of the next level on hold until the base is mended.
After we talked about the problem, there was no anger or yelling on my part. No threats of being grounded or punished by removing her phone or access to her account. She is loved unconditionally, mistakes and all. And just like every over-tired middle-aged mom who claims they will get back on that diet plan tomorrow, she too has her own personal struggles to overcome, her own bad habits to break, and she and I will continue to try to do that together.
But she also knows I have all the passwords. I have the apps, the access, and the ability to observe what she says and does and I won’t be giving that up until the building of trust between us is complete. I am her friend, but above all, I am her mother. It is my job to let her fail and learn how to get back up again. But I will also not let her sabotage herself by setting landmines within millimeters of her next step. I will do whatever I have to do until her portrait is ready for display, and she has the confidence to unveil it herself.