Dear 2020,
You win. Can I get my participation trophy and go home now? It’s been a thousand years since I’ve had a moment to myself to sit and write something that doesn’t involve the curriculum I teach or whether or not the US should have annexed the Philippines. Turns out 8th grade social studies really makes you think...about how in God’s name your son can be such an amazing writer yet fail so miserably at spelling and grammar.
I must say, life has done its best in recent months to continue its new found pastime of crushing souls and indulging in the tears of lost dreams. The murder hornets invaded, California ignited, hurricanes moved into the Greek alphabet, RBG died. Yet here I still stand at 46, living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare of unending political mailers and vomit-inducing ads, no-win educational decisions, and technology malfunctions interspersed with unfinished half bath remodels and Pinterest craft project rejects.
So instead of writing a full out blog post, I give you snippets of life at home during a pandemic with teenagers who are still remote learning...complete with pictures.
This sign should adorn my home. I think this sign has just the right amount of swearing combined with the request for alcohol which makes it particularly attractive for my home and life in general.
I do not comment on politics, except to post this photo of a fly being interviewed because it is the only thing worth talking about when it comes to national politics at the moment. There’s no reason to come knocking on my door because my roof isn’t leaking, we’ve already found Jesus, we’re satisfied with our electric company, and I already know that I have to choose between racist white grandpa #1 and slightly creepy white grandpa #2. I don’t watch any news because “balanced” journalism does not exist so I pass my time with reruns of South Park.
This is what a hybrid schedule looks like for middle schoolers. Props if you can figure it out sober.
This stock photo represents where the girl is with remote learning. She’s got this shit handled. I’m in awe. She’s rocking good grades, involved in after school clubs that meet virtually, even auditioned for a role in a one act play. The high school is sending kids back at ¼ capacity, so each group goes one full day a week. She has chosen to stay home and continue remotely.
This photo from a friend represents my son. This is remote learning for him, except my kid is either crying because he doesn’t get some random question right and thus has to do more practice questions or he’s done with all his work and is watching YouTube or playing Roblox at 10:45 am. He goes back in person for half days in November, but starting Monday, as one grade level comes back in person, his entire middle school goes online at 7:30 am instead of 9:00 due to the shared electives teachers. I need a margarita IV drip and a bottle of Xanax!
To all my friends out there about to embark on “Phase 15” of whatever school plan their district is throwing at them, may the odds be ever in your favor. I raise my bottle to you. There’s no judging here, but I foresee an uptick in day drinking within my surrounding community.
And to you, 2020, I don’t remember volunteering as tribute for this whole pandemic thing but if you could treat this more like a game show and less like a one way trip to the seventh level of hell, I think we would all be much better off. Sure we could go bankrupt on one spin, and it would be devastating. But imagine the joy of winning the Showcase Showdown...and then you have to get insurance for the new car...and then you have to pay taxes on all that stuff...and...Suck it 2020!
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